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Spoilers ahead! This post contains information about Selling Sunset season 4, including the finale. If you haven't yet watched, bookmark for later.

Christine Quinn might be "so good," but Heather Rae El Moussa (née Young) isn't after their confrontation on the Selling Sunset season 4 finale. After 10 episodes of tension, Christine finally came face to face with her Oppenheim Group colleagues for a face-off that Christine essentially blew off. The women -- namely Heather, Chrishell Stause, Mary Fitzgerald and newbie Emma Hernan -- waited for hours for Christine's arrival, hoping to clear the air (and maybe even clean the slate) after their collective agreement that Christine was one, lying about the timeline of her relationship with Emma's mutual ex and two, needed to own up for all the wrongs she's made (in their eyes, at least) over the last four seasons. But, after showing up three hours after the start of the event, Christine laughed off the collective olive branch/ambush, inciting Heather to storm off (chased by her then-fiancé, now-husbandTarek El Moussa) and leave the event.

"I wouldn't say a freak-out," Heather clarifies when ET asks if that's an appropriate descriptor for her reaction to Christine. "I mean, a lot led up to that moment that was not shown. There was a lot that happened hours before, and we all were there hours and hours and hours before Christine showed up. And I was going to take that time to have a really nice conversation with her and just clear the air with a lot of things that have obviously been spewing and she said, she said, she said, and so I just wanted to clear the air in a nice, calm way with her. And what people don't see is, Tarek and I were heading out to St. Barts that night on a red eye. And I had been waiting around for Christine for hours. She knew I was waiting around to talk to her. She decided to show up hours later than all of us other girls were there."

"I actually left and decided to come back because I knew she was going to show up in about 10 minutes," Heather recalls. "But I was already an hour past when I was supposed to leave. And they're like, 'She's coming in 10 minutes,' and I said, 'OK. You know what? I just want to talk to her before I leave on this vacation.' And she showed up and she brushed me off."

Heather says she found the whole ordeal incredibly frustrating, and promises she had no plans to go to a negative place with Christine, despite what the new mom might think. 

Heather Rae El Moussa storms out of an Oppenheim Group event on season 4 of Selling Sunset
Netflix

"She disregarded the fact that we were all waiting for her, I was waiting for her specifically," Heather reiterates. "She completely brushed me off and she's like, 'I'm good. I'm good.' And I'm like, 'If you're good, I'm good, too.' She wanted to mend a friendship with me, and the relationship. She showed me she didn't care. So I'm good. I'm going on my vacation with my future husband, at the time, and so a lot had led up to that frustration. It wasn't like I just had a freak-out and left."

As Heather and Tarek stormed out of the party (a soiree thrown by brothers Brett and Jason Oppenheim to announce the expansion of their business to the El Moussas' home turf of Newport Beach and, ultimately, the introduction of a soon-to-launch Selling the OC spinoff), Christine asked Heather if she'd be willing to have a one-on-one chat instead of a group discussion. 

"At that point, I already felt disrespected," Heather explains of turning down Christine's offer. "I had been waiting for three hours for her. And then when she brushed me off, I was like, you know what? I don't need to wait around and be late and miss my flight on my trip with my husband. So at that point, I was just done. She had disrespected me already."

Cameras followed Heather and Tarek as they made their escape, capturing a fourth-wall breaking moment where Heather repeatedly reminds her HGTV personality husband that he is being recorded and is a wearing a microphone. Tarek seemed to ignore Heather, though, continuing to mutter out thoughts including, "She acts like an a**hole to everybody, she’s embarrassed about her actions..."

"In that moment when I was heated and upset, we did not actually know the cameras were on us," Heather notes, "and then I turned around and I saw that they were filming us. So just as a reminder to protect my husband, I said, 'The cameras are on us. The cameras are on us.' He is a very strong-minded person. And if he sees that his wife is upset about something, he's going to support me 100 percent, no matter what, as I would do for him. But it is a very different show [than he's used to filming]. I don't want him involved in the toxicity of the show that can happen and the drama. He doesn't need to be a part of that. It's girls drama and it's just, he needs to stay away from that."

Heather Rae El Moussa reminds husband Tarek that they are being filmed on season 4 of Selling Sunset
Netflix

Christine and Heather fell out largely over things Christine told the press about Tarek and their relationship. All that unfolded off-camera between season 3 and (the delayed due to COVID) season 4, which is in turn a bit confusing for viewers who last saw the two on good terms, with Heather helping to plan Christine's wedding.

"You only see so much of our lives on camera," Heather says. "We all have lives outside of camera and outside of filming. And it had been a lot of things building up, and her and I had not had a close relationship for probably over a year. And there's just a lot of things that she had said and done to not only me and my husband, and talking s**t and just things to my close friends that I just, at some point, you can't keep supporting someone and making excuses for them and being the neutral person."

Their friendship (or lack thereof) took another onscreen turn, however, when Christine brought Heather's name into her drama with Emma. After the two women established two different series of events regarding a mutual ex-boyfriend/possible fiancé from years before, Christine revealed that the mystery man at the center of the saga was also romantically involved with Heather at some point. Heather says she never really dated the guy, describing it as a fling instead, and that her encounters with him did not overlap with either Emma or Christine's. This all led to an emotional moment for Heather, who broke down crying to Chrishell and proclaimed she hated Christine. 

"She had brought some things up on camera to the other girls and had called some of the girls off camera and said, 'I'm going to drag Heather into this and I hope you have my back,' so there was a lot of things that I didn't say on camera and you guys are not informed about," Heather reveals of why she was brought to tears. "She basically dragged me into her drama just to bring me into her and Emma's drama that is so irrelevant in my life. So at that point, I'm like, 'Why are you doing this? Why are you bringing stuff up that is so far in the past, just to cause issues with me?'"

Heather Rae El Moussa tears up out of frustration over Christine Quinn on Selling Sunset Season 4
Netflix

The season ends with Emma and Christine's facts (or maybe, alternative facts) at odds with one another. Heather won't explicitly say who she believes, but does offer this: "I don't believe a lot of things Christine says ... but I do know that Emma tells the truth."

"Christine's trying to make a bigger deal about everything," she adds. "And so whatever she thinks her timeline is OK, but she makes up a lot of things. So I would fact check that with Emma."

Fans won't have to wait long to find out what happened next, though, as the cast shot seasons 4 and 5 back to back, meaning when the fifth installment starts streaming, the action will pick up exactly where the agents left off in the finale.

"It pretty much continues right in, from the action, you see things continue and you see a lot more changes happen with the group," Heather teases. "So I think you see some people working on things, new friendships formed, more drama, but I think things are a little bit on the mend."

Heather offers that there is some "forward movement" for her and Christine, but friendship still seems off the table.

"Christine and I can be professional at work," she states, matter of factly. "We can be cordial to each other. We've been around each other multiple times and things are fine. We're not just fighting and catty and awful to each other. We had a friendship in the past and I don't have to be friends with everyone. I can respect her at work. And like I said, be cordial and nice."

"I don't want to have animosity and be fighting and be catty all the time and have negative energy," she continues, "but I just choose to not have her in my life because I don't trust her as a friend. And loyalty to me is a huge thing. And when you're happy and you're in love and your life is going in such an amazing direction, I choose not to have people around me that I can't trust. And friends are very sacred to me -- and I don't use that word [friends] lightly. So right now, we're not friends. I don't know if we can get back to that place. Time will only tell, and I have to see her actions being very consistent."

Heather says the No. 1 thing Christine needs to do is win her trust back, and so far, that's not looking likely.

Christine Quinn and her husband, Christian, attend a party on Selling Sunset Season 4
Netflix

"She sends me text messages and then I have proof to say that those are lying," she reveals. "And the other girls, they tell me the truth. And I hear from the eight other girls. Are they all lying to me? And then this one person is the root of everything. Is she the one telling the truth that everybody else is lying? I don't think so."

Christine hasn't made it a secret on social media that she feels frozen out by the other agents at The Oppenheim Group, going so far as to call them "mean girls" (though she's the one who makes a reference to operating like Regina George in season 4).

"It's not true," Heather declares of Christine's accusation. "There's one common denominator. I mean, I think you've seen enough of me to know I'm not a mean girl. I'm a very loving, kind person. And I'm a girl's girl. I'm very supportive of all the women at the O Group. We're all hard-working. We're all driven. We're all kind and sweet. And like I said, there's one person that no one gets along with. So is it all of us or is it that one person?"

"Oh, I did see a part [of season 4] where Christine called me a jellyfish," she goes on to remember. "How I just follow what everyone else does, which is absolutely bulls**t. So I'm a very confident woman who doesn't follow what anyone thinks or does. If I did, I'd be mixed into her bulls**t drama. I'd stay away from that. So she's very wrong in that sense. But it's just her making accusations and name-calling again."

All four seasons of Selling Sunset are now streaming on Netflix.

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Hannah Brown made some major life changes over the last year. ET spoke with the 27-year-old former Bachelorette ahead of the release of her memoirGod Bless This Mess, and she shared what she learned and how she changed after singing the N-word on Instagram Live.

In her memoir, Hannah writes that, on May 16, 2020, she "started drinking at 11 a.m. -- and never really stopped."

Drinking was something she'd been doing a lot more of since coming off of The Bachelorette as "another way of avoiding big problems." She didn't question her increased alcohol consumption until that night, when she got on Instagram Live and sang the N-word.

"If you had asked me when I was sober, I would have told you that of course saying the N-word is wrong and not in my vocabulary," she writes in her memoir. "A white person should never say it, under any circumstances, even when singing along and it’s right there in the lyrics. But on that night, I was so drunk that I truly didn’t know I said it."

"In no way am I blaming alcohol," Hannah told ET. "I take complete ownership and accountability for my actions and how that hurt other people, rightfully so."

Since then, Hannah said that her "relationship with alcohol has definitely changed a lot."

"I'm actually, just for my mental health, not really drinking right now," she told ET. "I'll have a glass of wine or two, but [not more]... I thought I'd never have problems with [alcohol]. I just never had that personality."

Before she was on TV, Hannah "never really drank." That stayed true during her appearance on The Bachelor, as well as for the most part on The Bachelorette, she said. 

Afterward, though, she split from her Bachelorette fiancé, Jed Wyatt, after it came out that he had a girlfriend when he came on the show. That, Hannah writes in her memoir, was when she began "drinking more than I ever had in my whole life." 

Then things didn't work out with her runners-up, Tyler Cameron and Peter Weber. After all of that, Hannah writes, "I’d been drinking more. Sometimes a lot more. It was another way of avoiding the big problems, I guess."

"It was really interesting to see how it goes from one glass of wine, two glasses of wine, three glasses of wine, tequila," Hannah told ET. "I've definitely reassessed how alcohol is a part of my life... You just are not going to find what your heart needs in that. I think just a lot of people, we do that. We kind of fill a void. I was definitely finding myself in that cycle."

It was amid that cycle that Hannah sang the N-word. 

"It was so out of character, and so very wrong -- all kinds of wrong. I felt sick. I started crying uncontrollably. I wanted to apologize to everyone and talk about it, but I also knew that I had stepped into something that was much bigger than I knew how to handle," she writes. "Plus, I was in no shape to talk. I needed to fully understand what I’d done, the repercussions of it... I was filled with shame."

Hannah lost her endorsement deals and cried her "eyes out for days on end," before becoming "humbled by the education that resulted from that moment." She hired an ethnic studies professor, who led her through an "extensive personalized training" on "the history of race, racism, and white privilege in the United States."

"I didn’t feel as if I could have conversations about race before it happened. That’s just not something a southern Christian white girl from Alabama has any place or practice doing," she writes. "But now? It’s not even a 'could' thing. It’s a 'should' thing. I’m trying to focus on that, and not let this moment go away."

The experience, Hannah writes, made her want to "work to be part of the solution. To raise my voice and to help others learn from the mistake I made, which I own, and for which I am very, very sorry. I promise to try to do better for the rest of my life."

After all the ups and downs detailed in her memoir transpired, Hannah found a therapist, who allowed her "to feel, and to grieve, and to deal with my own emotions, so I could finally move forward instead of staying stuck in the mud."

"After a year of self-reflection, and breathing, and writing, I can honestly say I’m a changed woman," she writes. "I am shocked at how little time it took to really start to change for the better."

"I'm really glad that I've gotten the help that I needed," Hannah told ET. "The therapy, the emotional support that I needed to kind of deal with my own stuff going on inside my heart, and mind, and just my mental health, so that [alcohol] is not something that I go to for any type of solace."

God Bless This Mess is now available.

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Hannah Brown is opening up like never before. On Tuesday, the former Bachelorette released God Bless This Mess, a memoir that covers everything from her childhood to her life today.

The memoir is a no-holds-barred peek into Hannah's life as a kid, pageant girl, Bachelor contestant, Bachelorette lead, and Dancing With the Stars winner.

A family tragedy and a major health scare are among the most shocking parts of the book, which also provides insight into her past and current relationships with the likes of Tyler Cameron and Peter Weber.

"There are going to be so many things in life that you're going to be like, 'How did I get here? How am I in this situation? How am I in this mess?'" Hannah told ET of what she wants people to take away from the book. "I think taking a moment to look back on all those moments that you wondered why, to really find what you've learned from that, what you've gained, find that internal wisdom and message, you can find that from any mess that you've had in your life if you just take a moment to look at it from a different perspective."

Keep reading for the 9 biggest bombshells in God Bless This Mess, which is out now.

Her Aunt and Cousins Were Murdered When She Was 6

On May 11, 2001, Hannah's 34-year-old paternal aunt, Alisa Taylor, and her two cousins, Trent, 4, and Robin, 7, were murdered in their home. As Hannah recalls, she knew something was amiss when her dad, Robert, told her that he had to miss her dance recital "to go help your Aunt LeeLee."

A couple of days later, Hannah's mom, Susanne, told her and her younger brother, Patrick, that their aunt and cousins "are now your angels in Heaven."

When Hannah pressed, not content with her mom's explanation, Susanne told her, "A bad man came to their house and hurt them. God didn’t want them to hurt anymore, so they went to Heaven where they could not feel it."

It wasn't until years later, when Hannah looked up the case on the internet, that she learned the full story. Wilson Robitaille, a man who had done remodeling on her aunt and uncle's house, had come there intending to steal money. Alisa caught him in the act, and he proceeded to stab her and both of her children to death.

Robitaille was convicted of the triple murder in 2002, and is currently on death row.

"Coming that close to something so awful, so terrifying -- it was a turning point for me," Hannah writes. "It changed everything. I was no longer living in the innocence of an untouched childhood."

After the murders, Hannah frequently awoke in the night out of fear and anxiety. Her parents didn't believe in therapy, so they "just dealt with it, as a family." She has since been diagnosed with narcolepsy, and, to this day, feels "tired pretty much all the time."

She Had a Cancerous Tumor at Age 11

When Hannah was in the fifth grade, she began to have intense stomach pain. Doctors first diagnosed her with IBS and suggested she change her diet, but the pain didn't subside.

Eventually, doctors discovered an egg-sized tumor on her pancreas. It was pancreatic cancer. The malignant tumor had yet to rupture, though, and doctors told Hannah and her parents that they could get it all with a surgery.

While her parents "were scared" about the diagnosis, Hannah did not feel fearful.

"It’s so hard to explain how, but I just knew deep down that I was going to be okay," she writes. "I knew deep down that God had a plan for me, even though my purpose was still to be revealed."

Hannah had such faith, she writes, that she was the one to comfort her parents as she headed into surgery. Doctors were able to get all of Hannah's tumor and she did not have to undergo chemotherapy or radiation.

She Didn't Dream of a Love Like Her Parents'

While Hannah would grow up to be known for her love life, as a child she didn't fantasize about finding a husband and getting married.

"Whenever I found out that my much-older sister or my babysitters had a boyfriend, it made me sad," Hannah writes. "I didn’t understand why they needed a boyfriend... It didn’t seem like a fairy tale come true to me."

That could be due to her parents' relationship, which Hannah labels as "toxic at times."

"I don’t want the kind of marriage my parents have," she writes. "I appreciate that they love each other, and they’ve stuck it out and done everything they could to make it work, and I know they always worked as hard as they did to support my brother and me. But I could see -- even from a very young age -- that their relationship could be toxic at times."

"The ugly truth," Hannah continues, "is that their marriage consisted of a lot of built-up resentment, a lot of fighting, a lot of harsh words and threats of leaving that they yelled at each other in the middle of the night, using language that I would never, ever want to hear in my own marriage. It’s bad enough that I had to hear it as a little girl, hiding in my bedroom."

Her mom, Hannah writes, "didn't have her own freedom" and was "stuck" in her marriage, because she was a stay-at-home-mom and wasn't earning a paycheck. That situation inspired Susanne to teach Hannah to be "independent" so she wouldn't have to "depend on a man."

She Knew Her Husband Wasn't on The Bachelorette Just Hours Into Filming

After appearing on Colton Underwood's season of The Bachelor, Hannah was tapped to be the next Bachelorette. She was hopeful about finding her husband as the lead of the season, but, on night one of filming, Hannah became convinced that her person wasn't one of the men who was there to meet her.

"My first night on The Bachelorette, right after meeting all the guys who were there to be my suitors, I wondered whether one of them might turn out to be my husband -- and I sat there thinking, 'I don’t think he’s here. I don’t think he’s here at all!'" Hannah writes.

Hannah had always believed in the idea that she'd "just know" that a person was for her the moment she met them, and it's not a feeling she got from any of the men on The Bachelorette.

She "felt a little spark" with Tyler during their first interaction, and likewise felt a connection to Peter, Jed Wyatt, and Luke Parker after they exited the limo. None of it was enough, though, for Hannah to believe that she'd met the one.

"When the guys were all inside... that’s when I thought, 'I don’t think he’s here,'" she writes.

Nevertheless, Hannah continued on with the show, because she felt pressure not to disappoint people and to help to create a great season. All the while, though, Hannah felt that she had to "almost force myself to feel true feelings for men whom I didn’t have much more than a little crush on."

She did that so much, she writes, that she eventually came to believe that her initial intuition was wrong.

"At the beginning, when I couldn’t see my husband in the room, I thought, 'Okay, I’m going to have faith,'" she writes. "And, at some point down the line, the more I got to know the guys, the more I convinced myself there was really was something there with the men I chose going into the final four."

Something Felt Off When Jed Proposed

Hannah's final four men ended up being Peter, Jed, Luke and Tyler. Though Hannah had initially promised herself that she wouldn't sleep with any of her men during Fantasy Suites, she had a memorable overnight in a windmill with Peter, and then had sex with Jed during their date, too. 

Though Hannah writes that sex with Jed "wasn't as good as it was with Peter," it was during her overnight with the musician that she decided Jed was the man for her.

She still had dates with Luke and Tyler, though. When Luke tried to "shame" Hannah for sleeping with other men, he sealed his own fate. The accusation touched a sore spot for Hannah, whose college boyfriend had once acted similarly.

Though Hannah writes that Tyler "grabbed my attention" physically, they did not have sex in their Fantasy Suite. The did, however, develop their emotional connection, so much so that Hannah sent Peter home, and was left with Tyler and Jed as her final two.

Jed's southern background and professed faith "felt safer" to Hannah than her connection to Tyler, and thus, that's the man she picked.

"I sent Tyler home about forty minutes before Jed was scheduled to arrive. I hated it. We had all this potential that hadn’t been fully explored yet, but there just wasn’t time," she writes. "According to the signs and the experiences I’d had over those crazy eight weeks, Jed was the guy who I thought could give me a life I wanted."

Jed proceeded to get down on one knee to pop the question, but it wasn't the fairy tale it appeared to be on TV.

"He got down on one knee and pulled out a ring, and I thought, 'No. I can’t. This isn’t what it is supposed to be like,'" she recalls. "I said yes anyway... My smile was not a lie. I wanted to be with Jed. I was excited to have more alone time with him. I thought I loved him. I did. But even as we hugged and kissed each other, as the goats ran out on that beautiful hillside in that gorgeous setting and everything looked so perfect, I kept thinking, 'This doesn’t feel the way I know love feels.'"

Hannah pushed past her concerns, figuring that everything would "just take time" to sort itself out. Signs that it wouldn't followed, though.

She soon found out that Jed's full name was Jared, something she hadn't known, which made her "question whether any of this was real." Next, she realized that their engagement had fallen on the same date of her aunt and cousins' murders. Then, came the news of Jed's girlfriend.

Jed was "constantly changing his story," Hannah writes, when first confronted with news that Haley Stevens was claiming that he was in a relationship with her when he went on the show. Though she initially "took him at his word" that things had ended, texts and photos eventually surfaced that made it too hard to deny the truth.

"I felt so ashamed and just plain stupid for falling for the same old thing from another guy. By misrepresenting his intentions, he’d stolen the chance I had to find love with Tyler, or maybe with Peter," she writes. "It was unfair to them. It was unfair to every single guy who came on that show with true intentions."

The pair split and didn't see each other until the After the Final Rose special, which Hannah writes was "as awkward as it looked." During that chat, Jed said that he hadn't seen his relationship with Haley as "exclusive" and that he had "ended it in my heart, not verbally." Though he still professed feelings for Hannah, she realized that "there were no lingering feelings there at all."

She Eventually Decided to End Her Friendship With Tyler Cameron

While feelings for Jed didn't linger, the same can't be said about Tyler. Fans were delighted when Hannah asked Tyler out for a drink during ATFR, but what they didn't know was the pair had already been chatting before the reunion special. Hannah, she writes, had come to believe that Tyler was the guy she was "supposed to be with."

Soon after ATFR, Hannah invited Tyler to her apartment so they could speak privately. The night was "awkward" at the start, but eventually they opened up about their remaining feelings for each other and kissed... just kissed.

"We were pretty hot and heavy there for a while, and a part of me was ready to open myself up to him completely. But then he stopped. He stopped... which made me fall for him all the more," she writes. "We slept together in my bed, and I mean that all we did was sleep."

When Tyler went to leave the next morning, paparazzi snapped photos of him and Hannah saying goodbye to each other, but the pair "laughed it off."

Two days later, Tyler called Hannah to confirm that they were not exclusive. She expressed that she had wanted to date only him, but he got off the phone quickly with promises to call her back. The next morning, photos of Tyler out with Gigi Hadid surfaced.

"Tyler met up with a supermodel after getting off the phone with me. This wasn’t a TV show. This wasn’t some game," Hannah writes. "My time with Tyler at my apartment wasn’t some meaningless hookup, the way it was portrayed in the press. My heart was on the line. And he broke it. With a supermodel."

Eventually, Tyler did call, but only to tell Hannah, "You got to date thirty guys, so I’m gonna date around and see if I still want to be with you."

The pair went their separate ways for a while after that, but Hannah got back in touch when Tyler's mom died. Hannah was going through a hard time, too, as her brother had recently overdosed.

"We were both going through these nightmares at the same time, and we seemed to be able to lean on each other," Hannah writes. "The weight of what was happening was just so much more important than any of the problems we’d had. Our hearts rose above the mess of it all when it mattered most."

Hannah later attended Tyler's mother's celebration of life, and he floated the idea of quarantining together amid the early stages of the COVID-19 pandemic. She agreed, thinking she'd be there a few days, but she ended up staying almost a month.

Tyler and Hannah, who were also quarantining with Matt James and others, documented the experience on social media, and the flirty posts made fans think they were rekindling their romance. In actuality, though, the whole thing was shrouded in confusion.

"We slept in the same bed for twenty days, and he never tried to kiss me or anything... After a while, he started treating me like I was just annoying. Like he didn’t want me around. Some days, he wouldn’t even talk to me," Hannah writes. "... There were moments when it felt like Tyler and I were going to be more than friends... And then he wouldn’t talk to me the whole next day."

Hannah eventually figured out how to get home to Alabama, and, besides a text from Tyler making sure she made it home safely, she didn't hear from him for a week. While the pair tried to maintain their friendship, even making a YouTube video about their time in quarantine, Hannah writes that it "just got so weird."

"I had to get honest with myself: even though I saw the good in him, my relationship with Tyler was not good for me. I realized we were on two different paths, and while I supported him on his, I wasn’t gonna do it at the cost of mine," she writes. "No matter how much we talked, and connected, I always felt like his bench girl. Like I was the backup player who never got to play in the game. I was the girl he would confide in. He told me I was the only girl he could talk to for hours and hours on the phone. But my vulnerability and availability seemed to get used only when it was convenient for him, in between me watching him go out with other girls in public."

Hannah soon decided to tell Tyler that she "couldn’t really be friends with him anymore." 

"'It just hurts me too much,' I said. 'I just need some space. Maybe down the line we can try it again.' That happened about six months before I sat down to write this page in my book -- and I haven’t heard from him since," she writes. "His last poetic words to me were, 'Well... if you rock with me, you rock with me. If you don’t, you don’t.' I wish I was making that up."

She Hooked Up With Peter Weber After His Season of The Bachelor

While Hannah sent Peter home on The Bachelorette, her feelings for him didn't disappear overnight. She was questioning her decisions as her relationship with Jed crumbled, when producers asked her to appear on the first episode of Peter's season of The Bachelor. She did so reluctantly, still under contract, and "literally had a panic attack" when she arrived.

Producers called on her again shortly thereafter, this time to host one of Peter's dates. Her hosting duties left her in tears, and Peter left his date to check on her.

"Peter offered to quit the show if I’d take him back. 'If you can say without a doubt that you want to be with me, I’ll quit the show,' he said. I couldn’t say that. I didn’t know if I truly wanted to be with him. I didn’t want to make a decision that would affect his life so deeply in that moment," Hannah writes. "... None of this made any sense, and I wasn’t ready to make another big decision. I had to trust my heart there. I had to put an end to it."

So Peter went on with his season, which ended with an engagement to Hannah Ann Sluss. Their relationship didn't last, though, and they broke up before the season even began airing. As he struggled with his breakup, Peter called Hannah to catch her up on his life and failed relationship.

Shortly thereafter, Hannah and Peter saw each other at a party. They couldn't be seen together, because Peter's season of The Bachelor was still airing on TV, so they snuck out and Peter drove them away. They ended up at Peter's house, which is the home he shares with his parents.

"His mom was still awake when we got back... Peter just went upstairs and went to bed and left me there with his mom! His mom said I should just spend the night, and offered me Peter’s brother’s room," Hannah writes. "... I crawled into Peter’s brother’s bed, and a few minutes later, Peter texted me: 'Come cuddle.' I lay there in the bed, hitting my head against the pillow, like, 'Hannah, what are you gonna do? Don’t do it!' But I did it."

While Hannah writes that she "didn't go there expecting us to have sex," they did just that. The experience "wasn't good," unlike their infamous windmill encounter.

"I thought we were reconnecting. I was lonely. But it wasn’t right. Our connection wasn’t the same as it used to be," she writes. "He wasn’t as caring in bed. It was awkward to have to be quiet, knowing his parents were basically down the hall. The sex didn’t last very long, and afterward, we both rolled over and fell asleep."

Afterward, he called her and confessed his lingering feelings for his runner-up on The Bachelor, Madison Prewitt. He and Madison went on to date briefly, before calling it quits.

She and Alan Bersten Had a 'Volatile' Relationship During 'DWTS'

Amid the drama in her love life, Hannah was tapped to compete on Dancing With the Stars. She saw the opportunity as a way to combat the anxiety and depression she was feeling in the wake of The Bachelorette, and jumped at the chance.

Her romantic life managed to still be a topic of conversation, though, as rumors swirled that she and her partner, Alan Bersten, were dating. That, Hannah writes, was the furthest thing from the truth.

"Off the dance floor, we were not compatible people. We performed well together, for sure, but we weren’t really compatible in the rehearsal studio, either," Hannah writes. "We both wanted to win, but our communication styles were just totally different."

"After sharing something really personal with Alan, there were times when he would just blow me off. He didn’t even ask about my Bachelor stuff," she continues. "I would tell him everything whether he asked or not, so he could understand why I seemed to be crying for no reason, but he never asked me about any of it himself until a week before the finale, in mid-November, in the context of filming a scene for the show. So it felt like we were on pretty different frequencies."

In fact, Hannah writes that she and Alan "had the most volatile relationship of the season, by far."

"It was either we acted like best friends and true partners, or we couldn’t stand each other," she explains. "He’d push me too far in rehearsals, and I’d say, 'Get out of my face. I’m not doing this,' and he’d say, 'You’re lazy! You’re not trying!' While I worked hard and focused on the prize, and concentrated on becoming a better dancer every day, the process itself kept bringing out the worst in me. I was emotionally unwell."

Despite their strained partnership, Hannah and Alan ended up winning DWTS. In her memoir, Hannah shares a journal entry from the night she won the show. In it, she reflects on feeling "empty" after her big win.

"I didn’t hear them announce my name as the winner, because I was perplexed by how numb I felt. Why wasn’t I excited?" she writes. "... I was happy for the excitement and celebration Alan was feeling, but the feeling I had was 'Well . . . I did it. What’s next?' I hate admitting this. It shouldn’t have been that way. I worked so hard but I was so miserable. Winning and having no feeling, and still feeling defeated because the high wasn’t all you thought it would be I think is more heartbreaking than losing and feeling the sting of the defeat."

She and Alan's relationship has improved exponentially since the show; they've made TikToks together, and she's openly supported him and his partner, Amanda Kloots, on the current season of DWTS.

She's Learned a Lot Since She Sang the N-Word on Instagram Live

On May 16, 2020, Hannah "started drinking at 11 a.m. -- and never really stopped." Drinking was something she'd been doing a lot more of since coming off of The Bachelorette as "another way of avoiding big problems." She didn't question her increased alcohol consumption until that night, when she got on Instagram Live and sang the N-word.

"If you had asked me when I was sober, I would have told you that of course saying the N-word is wrong and not in my vocabulary," she writes. "A white person should never say it, under any circumstances, even when singing along and it’s right there in the lyrics. But on that night, I was so drunk that I truly didn’t know I said it."

During the Live, Hannah "reacted very defensively" when commenters began to call her out, and was in "a state of total drunken, nervous embarrassment," she writes. The next day, the reality sunk in. 

"It was so out of character, and so very wrong -- all kinds of wrong. I felt sick. I started crying uncontrollably. I wanted to apologize to everyone and talk about it, but I also knew that I had stepped into something that was much bigger than I knew how to handle," she writes. "Plus, I was in no shape to talk. I needed to fully understand what I’d done, the repercussions of it... I was filled with shame."

She lost her endorsement deals and cried her "eyes out for days on end," before becoming "humbled by the education that resulted from that moment." 

Hannah hired an ethnic studies professor, who led her through an "extensive personalized training" on " the history of race, racism, and white privilege in the United States."

"I didn’t feel as if I could have conversations about race before it happened. That’s just not something a southern Christian white girl from Alabama has any place or practice doing," she writes. "But now? It’s not even a 'could' thing. It’s a 'should' thing. I’m trying to focus on that, and not let this moment go away."

The experience, Hannah writes, made her want to "work to be part of the solution. To raise my voice and to help others learn from the mistake I made, which I own, and for which I am very, very sorry. I promise to try to do better for the rest of my life."

After all the ups and downs detailed in her memoir transpired, Hannah found a therapist, who allowed her "to feel, and to grieve, and to deal with my own emotions, so I could finally move forward instead of staying stuck in the mud."

"After a year of self-reflection, and breathing, and writing, I can honestly say I’m a changed woman. I am shocked at how little time it took to really start to change for the better," Hannah writes. "I was so worried about taking the time I needed, and addressing my past, and so anxious about looking in the mirror, and so scared about not knowing where I was going or what came next -- and it turns out that none of those things were nearly as difficult as my anxiety led me to believe."

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Hannah Brown and Peter Weber had a post-show hook-up. After the 30-year-old pilot finished filming his season of The Bachelor, and as the show was airing on TV, the exes, who'd first met on Hannah's season of The Bachelorette, saw each other at a party and ended up sleeping together.

Prior to the previously unknown hook-up, Peter had been reeling from Hannah breaking up with him on The Bachelorette, after the pair slept together in a windmill on the show.

"It was just a weird, weird time," Peter said on his Bachelors in the City podcast. "... I was into Hannah. I was definitely feeling it with her. Obviously it ended. It was tough."

It was hard for Hannah, too, who told People, ahead of the release of her memoir, God Bless This Mess, "I was so upset breaking up with him. I know he really did care about me and he's such a great guy. I was really confused."

As Peter started being approached to be the next Bachelor, he admits that he was "still thinking about Hannah," and was "really nervous" to see her for the first time at the After the Final Rose taping. The reunion ended up going "really well," and Peter and Hannah "chatted just for a second" off-camera about potentially seeing each other.

Peter felt "all the emotions kind of start flooding back" during their chat, and thought that maybe their romance wasn't "completely over." But then, Peter saw Hannah's ATFR conversation with Tyler Cameron, in which she asked him out and he accepted. 

"I was, like, bummed. I remember watching that [thinking], 'Maybe this was kind of in my head,'" he said.

Peter and Hannah exchanged a friendly text after that, and had one conversation on Instagram, but their line of communication soon "fizzled up," and Peter went on The Bachelor.

"Once I knew that, it helped shield my feelings for him," Hannah said of learning that Peter would be leading the next season of the franchise. "I still didn't know if I could get there with him."

During the first night of filming the season, Hannah appeared on the show to wish Peter well, and once again, the feelings "came back a little bit." Then, she came on the show again, this time to host one of Peter's dates. It was during that date, that Peter told Hannah he'd quit the show if she'd be with him.

"I told her that I would quit the show. I would leave. I didn't know how I was going to leave. It was probably the stupidest thing in the world I could've said, but I told her that I would leave the show if she wanted to give this a shot," Peter said. "I think I even made a joke like, 'Where do you want to go? We'll hop on a flight right now. They can't physically force us to stay here.'"

"Going back and seeing him as the Bachelor, it brought up a lot," Hannah, 27, said. "Peter told me he'd quit the show, 100 percent, if I could say that I wanted to be with him. I wanted to go on a date with him, but I couldn't say that I knew for sure."

The conversation ended without the pair "really getting to any conclusion," Peter said.

Eventually, his season wrapped filming, and his relationship with his then-fiancée, Hannah Ann Sluss, was quick to fizzle. That time, Peter said, was "tough" for him.

Then, as his season of The Bachelor was airing, Peter got invited to Dylan Barbour and Hannah Godwin's engagement party, and was eager to go when he learned Hannah Brown was going to be in attendance.

"I see Hannah Brown walk in. She's got this beautiful dress on. The first thing you see is that big, beautiful smile. I was like, 'Phew. Alright. How is this gonna go?'" Peter recalled. "... We end up chatting or whatnot. We have to do this in secret, because no one can know about anything."

Peter left the party, but soon circled back for Hannah. The pair had "a good talk" on the drive and eventually ended up at Peter's house, where they slept together.

"I definitely opened up with her about a lot about stuff," Peter said. "... It was good. We spent the night with each other. That was it. That was the last time that I saw her physically."

"The chemistry just wasn't there," Hannah said of the encounter, a statement that Peter agreed with.

"It just really wasn't fully there, I guess," he said. "I agree with what she said. It wasn't the same as we originally felt, but nonetheless it was great to talk."

Afterwards, Hannah found out that Peter "had another girl on his mind." That girl was his runner-up, Madison Prewett, who he briefly dated after his season finished airing.

Shortly thereafter, the pair texted for the final time, though they're not on bad terms.

"Things might not have turned out the way I expected, but I try to learn from every moment," Hannah said. "I don't wish ill on anybody. And I'm in a really good place."

"Nothing's bad. Nothing's spiteful. Nothing's mean or anything like that," Peter agreed, noting that he'd "love" to get Hannah on his podcast. "... Hannah is one of the most amazing people I truly have ever met... She's a good, good person. A good, good heart.... Obviously, I wish her all the success and all the support."

Peter also teased that his hook-up with Hannah is one of many things that fans don't know about the aftermath of his season of The Bachelor.

"Guys, if I could just write a story of the second my season finished and everything that transpired... This would be the most dramatic book you could ever imagine," he said. ".... You don't know how bad I wish I could give this to you. How about you guys lobby for the show to release me from contract [so I'd] be able to write it all down on paper. I will gladly give it to you... It'd be insane."

God Bless This Mess is due out Nov. 23.

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The holiday season is right around the corner, and for many that means more time spent with family across generations. Before you demand that your children drop their smartphone to talk meaningfully about gratitude at the Thanksgiving dinner table, take a moment to consider what you're asking.

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Will Smith's marriage to Jada Pinkett Smith has always fascinated their fans, especially as the duo has become more open about the details of their relationship in recent years. In his self-titled memoir, the 53-year-old actor gets refreshingly candid about their marriage, from the sex-filled beginnings to the tumultuous roadblocks that nearly ended their union. 

In the deeply personal book, Will shares how he and Jada met in their 20s and became a couple after the Men in Black actor split from his first wife, Sheree Zampino. The two initially met on the set of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, when Jada was exiting a producer's office following an unsuccessful audition. But it wasn't until much later that the two got a chance to connect, and when they did, they became quickly inseparable.

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"My divorce from Sheree wasn’t yet final, so Jada and I decided it would be prudent if we kept our relationship under wraps. (We were both pretty famous, and we felt it just wouldn’t have been a great look.)," he reveals in the book. "The blessed yet unintended consequence was that we spent every single moment together, just us. The first three or four months were as wild a romantic whirlwind as our bodies could have possibly handled."

"We fit together so naturally, and our energies combined exponentially in a way that felt like old friends more than new lovers," Will adds. "We had an unspoken language, and everything we focused on flourished."

As the two became serious, starting their family and getting married, their different views led to miscommunications and fights that threatened their marriage. One of the first was their differing ideas on taking the next step: Will wanted a traditional wedding before Jada gave birth to their son Jaden, but the expectant mother wasn't interested in the idea.

"Jada didn’t believe in a conventional marriage, and despised the traditional ceremony. She also had questions about the viability of monogamy as a framework for successful long-term relationships," Will writes. "Jada wanted to look into my eyes, devote her undying love before God, and then get on with the difficult business of building a life together.”

The After Earth actor explains that Jada's mom, Gammy, also wanted her daughter to have a traditional ceremony and did her best to convince her daughter to do so. 

"Jada held her ground as long as she could, but pretty soon, the 'wedding pressure' became too much. She was in her second trimester, she was tired and uncomfortable, and she didn’t want to argue," Will reveals. "She also couldn’t bear the thought of breaking her mother's heart, and deep down inside — even though I wasn’t saying it — she knew I wanted a wedding too. So she agreed to have a traditional ceremony in Baltimore on New Year's Eve... To this day, Jada refers to our ceremony as 'Gammy's Wedding.'"

But this was what Will refers to as "the first of compromises" Jada would make after boarding the "Will Train" that "painfully negated her own values."

From Will's jealously of the relationship between Jada and the late rapper Tupac Shakur to their wildly differing priorities in life, Will's purchase of a grandiose estate that Jada vehemently protested against and an extravagant birthday celebration that went awry, the couple's inability to communicate with each other soured an otherwise loving marriage. 

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After an explosive argument triggered by the birthday party, Will and Jada had their infamous conversation about "retiring" from making each other happy

"Our marriage wasn’t working. We could no longer pretend. We were both miserable, and clearly, something had to change...I retire,’ I said. ‘I retire from trying to make you happy. You are free. You need to go make yourself happy and prove to me that it’s even possible. But I quit—you go do you, and I’m-a go do me,'" Will writes.

"We agreed that Jada's happiness had to be her responsibility and my happiness had to be my responsibility. We were going to seek our distinct, innermost personal joys, and then we were going to return and present ourselves to the relationship and to each other already happy — not coming to each other begging with empty cups, demanding the other person fulfill our needs. We felt this vampiric relational model was unfair, unrealistic, destructive — even abusive. To place the responsibility for your happiness on anybody other than yourself is a recipe for misery."

Will writes that he and the Red Table Talk host were "suffering the brutal death of our romantic fantasies, the burning away of the idealistic illusion of the perfect marriage and the perfect family. Neither of us wanted a divorce; we knew we loved each other, and some aspects of our union were magical. But the structure of the life that we had established was strangling both of us."

The harsh awakening was a result of marrying too early in their relationship and too young; now in their forties, their "unhealed inner children were choking the sh*t out of each other." Will writes that he and Jada knew they had work to do but "this phase would not be together." 

Ultimately, "the painful awakening was to the reality that we were two separate people on two independent, individual journeys. We had simply chosen to walk this portion together. We cried like crazy, hugged, and agreed to let each other go," he writes.

Eventually, the two were able to come back together, having discovered "the power of loving in freedom." Will explains that their relationship allows them to be "simultaneously one hundred percent bound together and one hundred percent free."

Although Will doesn't define his relationship with Jada as an "open marriage," they've been subject to speculation and rumors for years. 

Jada admitted to having an "entanglement" with R&B singer August Alsina in a Red Table Talk episode with Will that aired last July. She said she first met August more than four years ago and that the singer had initially come to her when he was "sick" and in need of some help, and that the Smith family had supported him. Jada said she ended up getting involved with August when she and Will were separated.

In September, Will made headlines when he told GQ that Jada wasn't the only one who had engaged in other sexual relationships outside of their marriage. He also shared that he had fantasies about other celebrity women, including Halle Berry and dancer Misty Copeland.

"We have given each other trust and freedom, with the belief that everybody has to find their own way," Will said of his and Jada's arrangement. "And marriage for us can't be a prison. And I don't suggest our road for anybody. I don't suggest this road for anybody. But the experiences that the freedoms that we've given one another and the unconditional support, to me, is the highest definition of love."

For more on Jada and Will's relationship, watch the video below:

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