A mother’s intuition is a powerful thing. It’s also truly a gift from God. The moment I saw the plus on the pregnancy test December 31st I felt something was off. I wanted to be excited but something was telling me “not so fast” My husband told me to stop being so negative. I’m not a negative person. I just couldn’t shake this.
After my last ultrasound with the slow heartbeat I prayed and talked to God more than I have since my divorce five years ago. That was the last bring-me-to-my-knees event. I enjoy getting back into conversations with God. When I do I can hear Him much clearer. It’s like someone turned down the volume on my mind so I could hear His voice.
My conversation on Monday included me asking God to please just tell me. Just let me know if You decide to take my little baby early. I don’t want to have to wait four more weeks for my appointment just to be told she passed away three weeks prior. By Monday night I felt incredibly calm and at peace. For the first time that bad feeling was gone. I went to church that night and learned how sometimes God has to “crush” us to refine us. To bring us back.
Tuesday morning I woke up and as soon as my feet hit the floor, I knew. I felt great physically. I just knew. She was gone. I made an appointment for that afternoon and told my husband to prepare himself. “You won’t see a heartbeat.” As I laid there on the ultrasound table. I stared at the ceiling tiles instead of Jason’s face. I knew what his expression was as he stared at the monitor searching for that little white flicker. I didn’t have to see him. I knew his face wasn’t going to change. Then I heard God say, “Just relax. You already know what the doctor is going to say because I told you this morning. Just remember I have big plans. You just have to wait for Me to reveal them.”
When the doctor told me he was sorry and that there was no heartbeat, I felt joy. Not that she was gone but that I found God’s voice again. Don’t get me wrong. This hurts. I’m crying now. There are so many emotions you don’t expect until you experience a miscarriage. Emptiness, relief, guilt, sorrow, peace, hope, disappointment, loneliness. Today I asked a friend if she thought I would see my baby in heaven. She said she has a theory that God takes that soul and puts it in another child. Either way, I will see her.
But you know what? I bet you I will be pregnant by spring. How do I know? I can hear it.