It’s grey, dark and raining. I’m driving into work with that heavy haunted weight that is all too familiar. I choke up as it tries to force its way in. I can’t let it. I won’t. Depression never really leaves you alone. Once you’ve lived with it, it just goes into hiding. Hiding down deep in the crevices of your brain. Lingering. Looking for a crack to seep through.
It hasn’t fully surfaced in 4 1/2 years. I was living alone.. dating who I thought was the man of my dreams. But I remember thinking everything in my life was wrong. I broke up with my future husband, only talked to people while at was work and decided I needed to give up my career and move back home to Alabama. Just walk away from it all. Not because I want to but because I can’t handle it..I can’t keep going.
Depression is a thief that robs all joy. A kidnapper who holds your inner voice..your “gut”.. hostage. It silences your intuition and disguises itself as your voice of reason. Telling you horrible evil lies. "You’re a failure, you’re weak, you’re unloveable, you’re hopeless, you’re disgusting…That man may think he wants to marry you but wait until he sees how worthless you are ..how broken you are…You really think you should be on television??? You’re too fat, too stupid. Unwatchable."
And so you drown your feelings in food and alcohol and hope you can dilute the vicious thoughts. This sickness can infect an entire family..father, brother, sister. We all harbor this ugly parasite. When one of us falls prisoner, the whole family feels the pain. It can paralyze relationships.
This imposter who feeds me lies is muffled for the most part now. Counseling, medication, but most of all God. His gifts. The ones I try and count daily..hourly. His gifts arm me with the joy to keep him tied down in that far away corner... yet he still manages to get his message to me from time to time.
Today I hear it. “You really think you’ve changed? You really think you are any better than you were before you recommitted your life to Christ, before you decided to put others first, before your miscarriages, before you married Jason, before you stopped binging, before you fooled everyone and wound up on tv?..You’re the same. This new you will. never. last.”
Between the Green Mount exit and the Caseyville exit on 64 I hear this. And I cry out, God why do you think I can do this? Why do you think I can be part of your plan? I will disappoint you and fail You every day! I feel like I'm slipping and He reaches out. Pulls me up.
My healer. Revealing Himself just as the sun peaks from behind the clouds, “You may fail and you may turn your back on Me but I. Will. Never. Turn. My. Back . On. You.” He will never give up on me. Always holding onto me. Always burning away the clouds of darkness with His rays of grace.
And my mind clears making room for the gifts I begin to number. His gifts that shield and comfort me.