It’s Monday morning. I’m handing Riggs over to his new pre-school teacher. The first day he screamed when I left. The second day he said nothing. Today he’s silent but I look him in the eyes and he’s giving me big puppy dog eyes hat are filled with tears and his bottom lip is quivering. I can’t stand it. I scan the room for a fire truck. Spot one. Grab it. Hand it to him. “Look at this fire truck!” I say. He reaches out but his hazel eyes find mine again. And what do I do? I just turn and leave.
And as I get in my car. I tell myself. “World’s worst mom. You could have tried to say something to him.” But I didn’t want him to see me cry. That felt worse than ever before. Because I know what his eyes were asking me. He wonders why I just leave him. Just leave him in this strange place that is so much bigger than what he’s used to. I know it’s all new to him and he doesn’t understand that it’s a good place to be. That he’s going to learn so much and it’s going to help him prepare for big boy school one day.
As I drive down the street looking as the little German style houses. I hear Him. God asks, “Are you thinking about how he feels or how YOU feel?” Wait. What?
“You are mad at Me. You don’t talk to me like you used to. You don’t trust me like you used to. You feel like I left you and now you’re confused and overwhelmed and you feel like you are in it alone. At least that’s what you tell yourself. But you know I am here. You just don’t talk to Me. You decided to do it all yourself and now You feel like you’re drowning”
Tears are rolling down my face. I’m blotting my eyes with a napkin trying not to ruin my eye makeup. Trying not to fall into a hyperventilating full blown break down. He’s right! I haven’t been talking to Him. And it’s not working for me! I truly believe we are all planted where we are for a reason. A purpose. I became so obsessed with what my purpose is I lost sight of it all together. I feel like I don’t have a handle on anything. It’s all or nothing with me. Maybe that’s my OCD surfacing. Either it’s just like I like it and under my control or it falls off my list of expectations and plan and I can’t control it so I must abandon ship. I couldn’t figure out my purpose I didn’t feel like I was growing like I wanted. So. I bolted.
But. You. Can’t. O-C-D. God.
That’s what I’m doing. I couldn’t hear Him like I wanted, I couldn’t understand why He wasn’t telling me His plan and explaining everything. I felt like He just dropped me off and said He’d be back to get me. But He has me right where He wants me. Because He knows I can learn so much. It’s going to prepare me for what’s to come. I’m not 2 years old. I’m 39. It’s not all about me. If I spent half as much time worrying about others as I do myself. Well. I could help Him change lives.
And isn’t that everyone’s purpose?