Virginia's Blog: Turning in the Fear

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by Virginia Kerr

KMOV.com

Posted on April 27, 2013 at 9:44 AM

Updated Saturday, Apr 27 at 10:27 AM

 

Looking at the two dark purple lines and my heart skips a beat. I know I’m not pregnant but at least it’s two lines right? And then I ask, “Will this be the month?” The ovulation test says it’s time to try and see.

 

We’ve been trying to conceive for a year now and…nothing. I’ve been on a wild ride of emotions since the last miscarriage in June. At first I asked, "Is God punishing me for my past?" Then it was, "Maybe we aren’t supposed to have another child." "Maybe we couldn’t handle another one."Then it was.."Maybe I don’t really want another child."

 

But now I know I do..I’m just not ready. God isn't punishing me. He’s teaching me. Shaping me. Molding me into  the person He knows I can be.

 

We're going to have another child. I know because God told me. He told me after the miscarriage last February and He told me again about three months ago. If. I. Quit. Drinking.

 

Standing in the shower one weekday morning. And I hear Him. “Just give up the alcohol and you will have a child.”

 

And yet I continue. I try to quit and then I make excuses: “Why can’t I have a glass of wine..or two at the end of my day? I deserve it."

 

But if I'm truly honest..its become my friend. The one I look forward to seeing at the end of my day. The one who makes me feel comfortable in crowds. Who dulls the pain when the family drama from back home becomes too much.

 

But that same "friend" is the one who twists my reality. Telling me I can't have fun without her. Allowing me to make a fool of myself. A shameless friend who takes my dignity if I hang around too long. A friend who's become a roadblock between who I am and who I could be. And eventually that friend could ruin the relationships I have with real friends.. and worse with my family and God. She's a selfish, controlling liar.

 

Not to mention the damage she can do to my fertility. If I really want a child wouldn’t I be doing everything to make that happen?

 

And I have to ask. If I was addicted to food once does that mean I am likely to be addicted to something else? I already know the answer.

 

I'm tired of making excuses and I'm ready to let God take this part of me. I'm turning in the fear so that I may fall into His peace. With Him I can do this. He's already told me.

 

 

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in your weakness.” 2 Cor 12:9

 

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