We're sitting at the end of the driveway. "Truck Mommy!" Can't get to daycare without my backseat commentator giving me a vehicle play by play . "Go Mommy!" "I can't baby, I have to wait for the cars to pass.
I pull out onto the road and we drive down the windy road looking for the next character in our morning story. "School bus, Mommy! Oh no! Where'd it go?" "We passed it, it's behind us. Let's look for the choo choo train."
You'd think Riggs was watching an adventure movie. Every morning we talk about the hay bales and sheep at the farm down the road and then guess where the tractors that are there in the fall might be today and around the corner we watch the people board the "choo choo train" at the MetroLink station. And every day it’s as if each item is better than the last. “Whoa! That’s cool!” I hear my little man say.
When does life stop being an adventure movie? When do we stop taking in everything? Right there? Right then? And look at all that’s good. As if every moment has a lead role. A star to celebrate.
We're too busy rushing, hurrying, worrying. So focused on what we don’t have, we miss the beautiful cinematography in God's movie of life. As I try to slow down to take in my daily gifts...The little boy in my car, the sun that's up in time for my commute, the coat that keeps me warm...the more I recognize these, the more I realize I’m full. My life is full. Right here. Right this second. I can have joy without chasing the next big thing. I can have a life overflowing with joy. Right now.
And that may be the answer to the dilemma I face at the end of my days now. As I write out my prayers I always stop just before I write the word...Baby.
Instead I ask, "Do I want to request this? Do I need to? Do YOU want me to? Wouldn't I have a sense of urgency, an overwhelming desire..desperation...if I really wanted a baby??" Because I don't.
Sometimes I don't write it. I just put it out of my head all together. Move on to the next person or item. Sometimes I write, "I pray I will get pregnant and have a healthy baby IF IT'S YOUR WILL."
Monday night, I finally admit to Jason that I wasn't sure. And he says. “I feel the same way..Don't get me wrong, I would love to have another one..but I think I'm ok if we don't." We agree it's not that we don't want a baby. It's that we don’t need another baby. It’s that we're content. We look at that little boy with his big camouflage eyes and grin and feel blessed. Because he’s healthy. Because we’re happy with things just the way they are.
It's because I know that this past year's two miscarriages were blessings. They brought me to a place I'd never experienced before. God used them to save me, to set me free. I needed them. And I know those babies are waiting for me to join them one day. And if God knew I needed those miscarriages, He knows if we need another little person in this family..he knows what's best. He is the maker of this movie and He knows how it ends.
"We're here! We're here, Mommy!" At the sitter's now...pulling Riggs out of his carseat and as I wrap the fleece blanket around him, he looks at me and smiles. "I love you Riggs" "I wuv you Mommy!" and I see the star of my moment and let it sink in.