Virginia's Blog: "GO!"

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by Virginia Kerr

KMOV.com

Posted on May 13, 2013 at 3:57 PM

It’s 4 in the morning. 45 minutes before my alarm goes off. I’m not going back to sleep. My chest is tight. All I can think about is what lies ahead today. First up, my live shot with both Bravo bigwig Andy Cohen and Cardinals pitcher Jason Motte. In the middle of a KMOX book club live broadcast. Charlie Brennan's letting me take over his show during commercial breaks so I can do three minute interviews on Great Day St Louis. Timing nightmare. What if he’s still in commercial when they come to me? What if I’m still on when he gets back from commercial? How am I going to pull this off?

Why did I have to insist on decorating a bar for the set so it looks like Andy Cohen’s set on “Watch What Happens Live?" I’m the one who had to pester Jason Motte into coming in to be his surprise celebrity bartender. Even if he did have Tommy John surgery three days ago. I don't want to annoy KMOX. It's their show. And Motte’s worried about imposing on Andy’s show..who doesn’t even know that I have concocted this craziness.

But I’m a control freak..passionate..OCD live reporter. So this must be great. Perfect.

Now it's 4:01. I just remembered I have three stories to write, a baby shower at lunch and the 20 minute speech for tonight I haven't even started.. My heart’s now beating out of my throat. I have to speak to a group of 100 women tonight at a church…I am terrified of speaking in public.

AND I’m supposed to talk about my faith. About my Heavenly Father. And He hasn’t even told me what He wants me to talk about. And then there’s the whole…”why in the world would a church want me to talk to them?” thing.

I really didn’t get going on this until about a year ago and I have way too much of a mess still left for Him to get rid of.

I still have trouble hearing God every single hour..in fact, on a bad day I may not talk to Him at all during the work day..and this week I haven’t read my Bible once. Why couldn't the speech have been last week? I read it every day last week.

I’m just a BABY Christian. A kindergartener going to talk to a bunch of high school seniors. I still snap at my husband, get huffy when I'm under pressure at work. I still have, pride, doubt, anxiety. I. have. so. much. to. change.

But God reminds me of how far I've come in the last year. A little over a year ago. I wasn’t talking to God at all..Before last February, I hadn’t sat down and read the Bible in... I honestly don’t know when because when I did find God I had to go out and buy a Bible.

This past year, I learned how to be thankful for suffering. Two miscarriages. The first one reconnected me to God. The second taught me that God forgives. He wasn't punishing me afterall. He wanted me to work through my past..bring it to Him, ask for forgiveness. Don't regret. Re-grace. He reminded me those sins were taken care of.

And He’s taught me to slow down. Keep my eyes on Him. On our relationship. And when I forget. When I start to feel hopeless. I stop. Pause and look for the gifts.

“Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” 1 Thessalonians 5:18

For the first time. I don’t focus on who I think God is. I focus on what He thinks of me. When I do. I feel His love. My anxiety falls away. Drawing me closer to Him.

So what if I'm a baby Christian. I’m right where God wants me to be. "Keep your eyes on your own paper, Virginia" As soon as you compare- you stunt your growth.

I see the gifts of this year. Focused. Ready to share. Share this story that isn't even mine. It's His. And He says, "Go!"

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