Went in for the ultrasound yesterday. Good news there is a baby and a heartbeat. Bad news the baby is measuring a week behind and the heartbeat was only 101. The other “sacs” are not sacs they are cysts and there are more of them. I go back in four weeks. I will be 11 weeks pregnant.
The doctor says there is a seven day margin of error on their machine and that he is more concerned about the cysts than the low heartbeat. Well I of course googled everything. Found out a heartrate that low at this stage gives me a 50/50 chance of a miscarriage and some sites say a low heartrate is possibly a sign of a birth defect.
So after crying all day, praying, staying up half the night, praying some more and crying some more when I got to work, I feel much better.
I realized that in a way God is answering a prayer. I asked him to bring me closer to Him..and He is. I don’t know if there is anything “wrong” I just am worried about the worst. I am worried about things I cannot control. As a friend told me this morning. I have to “Let be and let God.” Again I am sharing this with you because I know there is someone out there going through something similar who may find comfort in this. It is so scary and it sucks but God knows what is best for us. This is a small piece in my puzzle of life. If I could see into the future I would be able to understand why I needed this experience. I have to remind myself of this because my little “poppy seed” needs me.
When I was pregnant with Riggs I was so laidback and didn’t worry about anything. I told myself the baby was the reason I was so calm. Riggs is a very laidback child but I think my attitude during his pregnancy also influenced his personality. I think we helped each other. In fact, there are a lot of fetal psychologists who have written articles on it.
The first trimester is the worst. Even if you are having a normal pregnancy you worry about everything, your body, your finances, your baby’s health, how he or she will affect your relationships with your husband and other children, how it will affect your job. But I’m learning, you don’t become the mother of your unborn child at delivery, you’re the mom that whole nine months. And I have to teach my baby to be confident and secure from this day forward. Me worrying about the unknown and stressing us both out will only make things worse.
I feel stronger today. I feel better. I know everything will work out. Not sure how but it will.