It’s 10:40 Sunday night. I can’t sleep. Alarm is set to go off in 6 hours. I have Sunday night anxiety. You know, when you have this sick feeling like you forgot something and like Monday is going to be this stressful, miserable day? As if you’ve never been to your job before.
I’ve had it on and off since high school. Not sure why tonight. Maybe it’s because that nightly glass of wine isn’t an option anymore, or that I spent too long googling the fertility benefits of vitamin B6 or that I’m wired from trying to learn new Zumba choreography for two hours tonight.
Listening to my husband breathe and the muffled sound of my son’s fan coming through on the baby monitor…and I start thinking about all the stories. The ones that show up in my Facebook inbox. Hate stories. Self hate that is.
The successful businessman with all the right contacts but can’t connect with happiness. His voice tells him he’s a failure. The mother who makes a living finding beauty through her camera lens but can’t see the beauty in herself..Her voice tells her she’s worthless. The single guy who’s found the one but can’t get past his loss to tell her. Too afraid she’ll abandon him like his father did…his voice tells him, trust no one.
The young mother who is too frightened to step outside her house. Depression has locked her inside and tells her she’s too weak. The award winning journalist who can’t write his life the way he wants it…he hears he’s hopeless.
The woman today who says she’s all alone but she might be okay now that she sees “how human” I am.
We are all human. We’ve all had the needle of loneliness pierce our hearts at some point. It stings, it burns, it wakes me up and reminds me how different I am. No one understands.
I think of their pain and wonder if they’re awake in their beds right now. And as I shift my pillow and roll over for the eighth time, I can hear it. The tape of negative thoughts playing on a loop. It’s far, far away but moving closer. Quick. Before it gets too loud. I have to rip it out.
I start counting. Thinking back through my day. Looking for the gifts.
Oh yeah! This morning, 1. My husband let me sleep in, 2. my son hugged me and 3. told me he loved me without me saying it first. He’s never done that. 4. I got to visit with my close friend from Arkansas…that’s a double gift..good friend 5. from the South and 6. likes football, 7. my husband let me Zumba for hours in the basement..8. and I actually cooked a meal that didn’t suck!...and now I’m there. The tape is gone. I feel God all around me. He gave me those gifts and so many more. His fingerprint’s all over my day. And I thank Him and tears of joy roll onto my pillow. I continue to number until I drift off .
This needle of loneliness. I want to use it to thread God’s love through the brokenhearted. The souls all around us.. who work with us.. live with us..play with us..sit next to us..Facebook us..the ones who long for answers..for a listener..a comforter..a friend..a connection.
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.