I’ve discovered a new concept of actually thanking God for suffering. I had another miscarriage last week.
And today I thank God for it.
Over a week ago, I took ten tests to make sure there really was a positive sign. I knew I was pregnant weeks before. I could just feel it. Of course I immediately started obsessing. Signed up on Baby Center, started discussing baby names with my husband. All the stuff you do when you learn you are pregnant and you have been anxiously awaiting. I scheduled my first doctor appointment like you’re supposed to. But the night before the appointment I got really worried. What if we lose another one. That means I failed again. That means another loss. That means I have to wait even longer. That means I will now be at least 38 when I get pregnant. Then God told me to stop.
“Remember what came out of the last miscarriage? I completely changed your life. For. The. Better. I know what’s best for you.”
It’s true. I have never grown so much spiritually in all my life as I did the weeks following my miscarriage in February. God transformed me and I now I can’t stop wanting more…at least that’s what I thought.
As I sat in the doctor’s office the next day and heard I was in the middle of another miscarriage I thought I was fine. It was early this time. I never had to see a heartbeat. This isn’t bad.
Then I got in the car. And lost it. Why? What else do You have to teach me? This is punishment isn’t it? Punishment for turning on you and trying to do things my way for the last 37 years and knowingly defying you. I drove straight to my church. I know dramatic, right?
You should have seen me sitting there crying into my son’s burp cloth in front of the minister. I couldn’t catch my breath. After three minutes I was able to speak in complete sentences. Now that I know how good God is..I can see how horrible I am. Is this payback?
And my minister said if I was God yes. I would tell you you deserve this and so much more. But God doesn’t think like us. God is forgiving and full of grace. I believe there are consequences but once He forgives he forgets. He is also all about change. He is constantly changing our lives and events to help us grow…He knows exactly what we need, when we need it.
So today I thanked God for the next growth spurt and gift I’m about to receive through this loss. And it feels really good.